As I sit here watching a horribly boring defensive struggle between the Steelers and Ravens, I can't help but wonder what's on the horizon for me. I'm nervous. I've been so nervous, it's actually made me somewhat depressed this last week. It's forced me to look at myself and question if I really have it in me to become a doctor. Can I really study again and deal with ridiculous stress for the next 4 years? Do I want to spend the next 6-8 years in hospitals? I mean, it's not a place I'm fond of to begin with, so how can I honestly expect to work there for that long and be happy? Do I even want to be a doctor? These days I can't help but seriously reconsider what it is that I'm trying to do.
Is anyone surprised to know that I'm the daughter of two doctors? Probably not. While my father has been complacent, if not utterly indifferent to what my career aspirations were in the past and are today, it's been my mother who's taken the active role in pushing me to a career in medicine. She's been medicine's own champion since I was a 5th grader. "You are going to be doctor," she would tell me, and I figured I'd go along with what she wanted since I had no clue of what else I could do. Over the years if I questioned her assertions, she would only later convince me with her arguments for the benefits and opportunities of becoming a doctor. Fast forward 14 years, here I am ready to attend medical school, but am I still *just going along* with what she wants? I'm afraid this could be the case.
But as afraid and sad I've been, I still won't allow myself to back out now. I have a tendency to make the worst assumptions about what is unknown to me and as much research I've done, as many hours I've spent pouring over other's accounts of Caribbean med schools, this is still unchartered territory for me. Everyone has their own unique experience and I cannot know what mine will be until I've actually flown to St Maarten and experienced the full onslaught of medical school for myself. And while this experiment may be an expensive one if I do indeed decide this isn't for me, it's still worth every penny because I will at least have the satisfaction of walking away with peace of mind.
Is anyone surprised to know that I'm the daughter of two doctors? Probably not. While my father has been complacent, if not utterly indifferent to what my career aspirations were in the past and are today, it's been my mother who's taken the active role in pushing me to a career in medicine. She's been medicine's own champion since I was a 5th grader. "You are going to be doctor," she would tell me, and I figured I'd go along with what she wanted since I had no clue of what else I could do. Over the years if I questioned her assertions, she would only later convince me with her arguments for the benefits and opportunities of becoming a doctor. Fast forward 14 years, here I am ready to attend medical school, but am I still *just going along* with what she wants? I'm afraid this could be the case.
But as afraid and sad I've been, I still won't allow myself to back out now. I have a tendency to make the worst assumptions about what is unknown to me and as much research I've done, as many hours I've spent pouring over other's accounts of Caribbean med schools, this is still unchartered territory for me. Everyone has their own unique experience and I cannot know what mine will be until I've actually flown to St Maarten and experienced the full onslaught of medical school for myself. And while this experiment may be an expensive one if I do indeed decide this isn't for me, it's still worth every penny because I will at least have the satisfaction of walking away with peace of mind.
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